So, I was having my #Datenight with God like I do. I worshipped, prayed, sang, studied and all but I still couldn’t shake off a light tugging I’d been feeling in my heart earlier that day. I really didn’t know what the problem was because usually when I feel God pulling me towards him, I go on a Date night with Him and then I’m okay again, but there I was still worshipping but didn’t feel any release.
In the middle of my worship, God spoke to me, “Deborah, what are you doing?”, I was like “err, Dad, I’m spending time with you” and God asks “why?”. Trust me, at that point I was confused because I’m one of the cheerleaders of ‘you gotta have a reason for everything you do’ movement. So this is me in a QnA session with God and I’m totally thrown off course by the second question…
Eventually, I was able to say “…because I love you lord” and I could feel him going “really?”. I immediately got down from my high horse of thinking I’d figure out what God was driving at on my own.. silly me!I said “Lord, why all these mind-boggling questions, what are you trying to show me? Did I or am I doing something wrong, please, show me..” Eventually, I had these questions drop into my spirit.
What exactly do you want from me?
Why are you serving me?
What are you looking to gain from whatever relationship you have with me?
Who am I to you? A means to an end?
Am I a trophy Father/Husband/Lover so people can see and notice how ‘spiritual you are or have become’
Is this about expressing the ‘gifts of the spirit’ and being able to do some supernatural stunt just to reassure yourself that you’re still close to me?
Is this about how many mountains your macho faith can move, how many miracles you can perform or how many demons you can cast out in your life-time?
What exactly do you want from me?
At this point, it was clear to me… I felt embarrassed and stupid even being there with God because my motives were no longer pure. I realised that I wanted to spend time with God because of what he could do for me, what I could get from him, the level of power I’d manifest in if I keep following through. So, it became like a bargaining process “God, you just have to infuse me with power/bless me/make me famous/do something spectacular because I’ve been studying, praying and spending time with you”. I realised that I wanted to seem deep and spiritual around people so they’d respect my level of spirituality.
Isnt this what some of us have become? Fair-weather friends! We are always looking out for where the next miracle is happening, and the next breakthrough is taking place. We’re searching for that next revival to be empowered so we can go all out and throw some supernatural stunts… it has even become a game to some, a yardstick to determine how spiritual a person is. You hear things like “that lady is so spiritual, she spits fire”, “that man is so close to God, he healed a cancerous woman.”
Some only study their bibles because they are leaders in church and they have to set an example or give a sermon so it soon becomes religion to them… they become puffed up with knowledge and when a ‘newbie’ shares a revelation, they immediately go “what do you even know” in their hearts. Some others, are seemingly serving God because they want a spouse, financial breakthrough, or career success. For others their purpose has become more important than the One who gave them the purpose.
I beseech you with the mercies of God that you do not get me wrong because then the purpose of this blogpost will have been defeated. God desires that you walk in crazy deep levels of supernatural powers and do greater works than Jesus did. His will is that you enjoy divine health. He delights in your financial prosperity, He wants you to live life on purpose doing the things he created you to do. He desires that you have an incredible spouse, awesome kids and an amazing home! He desires all these things for you more than you do for yourself BUT all these things will be added when you CRAZILY seek HIM.
Beloved, check and double check your motives.. we MUST NEVER get to that point where we feel we have it all together already. This ‘growing up’ we have to do is a life-long journey. So, cross-examine your intents and thoughts… why have you been holding those vigils? Why have you been studying your bible so hard… is it so you can get Him to give you a spouse, house, money, job or so you can be YIELDED to him.
‘A man who is yielded to God is a man who is useful to God’
In His glorious love,